


Write it Down (Or it's Not Real Science)

by SandrC



Series: Balance My Deeds With My Misdeeds [47]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 09:52:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18118391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SandrC/pseuds/SandrC
Summary: Description of item found in the house of Lucretia Efi, one of the Seven Birds, Saviours of Existence, known as Madame Director: a large pile of records, written in an unsteady and blocky script, occasionally interjected with other, more metered handwritten notes. Some pages are in various states of disrepair, but most are legible. The occasional picture or object is pinned to some of the sheets.(Or: sometimes Madame Director needed to remember she was loved. Sometimes she needed to laugh at stupid things.)





	Write it Down (Or it's Not Real Science)

**Author's Note:**

> Had an idea. Wrote the idea. Was a good idea.
> 
> Magnus is a Scientist now. He wrote it down, it counts!
> 
> (I love Lucretia so much.)

_[Description of item found in the house of Lucretia Efi, one of the Seven Birds, Saviours of Existence, known as Madame Director: a large pile of records, written in an unsteady and blocky script, occasionally interjected with other, more metered handwritten notes. Some pages are in various states of disrepair, but most are legible. The occasional picture or object is pinned to some of the sheets. The records were found in the late Madame Director's personal office on the former Bureau of Benevolence headquarters in a large manilla envelope bound in red silk ribbon. On the front of the envelope is a note, in the Director's careful calligraphy, that reads: "for when you forget who all this is for". Underneath that is a more crooked scribbled note reading: "for when you need to remember to be happy".]_

* * *

Report One (1):

Hypothesis: Putting the Light of Creation into a Fantasy Microwave will make cool shit happen.

Control Group: the Light, sitting on the table, being boring as fuck. Also an egg, as it is round like the light, but not magic as fuck, and therefore less likely to kill us if we microwave it.

Test 1: Microwaved the egg. It exploded. Waste of an egg, says Taako. Also Lup, though she seemed to be more excited about the later testing. Hard to tell, as the twins are often hard to read. Getting easier though.

Test 2: drew picture of an egg and the Light. _[Attached image is a crudely drawn picture of a lopsided egg as well as a vague circle shape one can assume is the Light. The "Light" is fuzzy and has wiggly lines coming off of it, the word "craveability" scribbled next to a set of wiggles.]_ Barry says that it doesn't count to use an egg as a control group, whatever that means. Well Barry is a goddamn nerd and what does he know?

_[Edit: I am a scientist, Magnus. I know a lot about science. Writing it down does not make it Good science. It just makes it more like Science.]_

Test 3: microwaved the Light. Cap'n'port made me take the microwave a hundred meters away from the StarBlazter in case something went, I quote, "wrong as the time you ate that rock". One time a man eats a rock and no one lets him forget it! This is libel! Slander! I won't stand for it! Anway, microwaving the Light ended pretty well. Or, so I was told. It exploded, so I didn't get to find out what happened until we reformed.

_[Edit: it exploded hard enough to destroy the couple upper layers of earth beneath the microwave. There was absolutely nothing left of Magnus, though the Light was okay. The microwave was also trashed. Vaporized. It was very cool. I'm sorry you didn't get to see it happen. Also Lup said it was "hella badass" and even Taako looked impressed so good on you. I think Lucretia has a better account of the explosion though so ask her.]_

Conclusion: Microwaving the Light will, much like microwaving an egg, explode. On a greater scale, sure, but still an explosion. Cool way to die, don't do it again.

* * *

Report Two (2):  
Hypothesis: Lava is Hot Soap

Control Group: actual hand soap, used to wash hands. Vanilla scented. Liquid.

Test One: washed hands with soap. Water was cold. Sucked but my hands are soft and smell nice. I want cookies. Taako won't give me any though because I blew the microwave up a few cycles ago. Still worth it but he's being a butt. Lucretia sneaked me a cookie though so jokes on him!

_[Edit: the cookie had laxatives in it. Lucretia was in on the joke. Magnus is currently married to the toilet and moaning loud enough to scare the fire beetles below us. I think it's a step too far but also, I did want popcorn yesterday and Magnus did blow up the microwave. All's fair in kitchen appliances and war, apparently.]_

Test Two: when I was able to stand up without shitting my pants (thanks Luc) I decided to wash my hands in the Hot Forbidden Soap (TM). It hurt. It did not clean my hands so much as take the skin off to the muscle. It's hard to bend my fingers. Merle used all his spells to get me to a point that I could properly use my hands again. Still hurts. Worth it. _[The page is spotted with dried blood and smeared ink. The handwriting is more crooked than normal, as if Magnus had issues writing. Probably because he burned his hands almost off.]_

Conclusion: Lava =/= Hot Soap. It is just lava. Very boring. Very hot. Sets skin on fire. Should have waited until later this cycle. I have three more months with jankass hands. Thankfully, this has earned me pity points from Taako and Lup, who have been making me soup and bread. Thanks guys!

_[Edit: okay, this was really funny, consequences aside. Magnus dipped his hands in a lava flow and his skin just caught fire. Then his shirt, which was fire proof. Now it's sad, because he's sad, but it was a Very Good Bit of Science. Please don't repeat it though.]_

* * *

Report Three (3):

Hypothesis: Lucretia has a very nice laugh and should laugh more because we love her.

Control Group: Lucretia, who has been a Debbie Downer since the last cycle. I get that it was bunk, having to chose between giving the Hunger a massive power-boost or committing genocide, but she needs to let go. Live. Maybe smoke some of the sticky icky that Merle grows.

_[Edit: look, Mango, I'm not a scientist, but if you use the phrase "sticky icky" one more time, I will science my best boots up your ass. Weed is fine. Pot is fine. Marijuana is fine. Not that abominable phrase. Fuck that and fuck you. Also, don't think about letting her in my kitchen. She burns her tea. I'll handle catering, boyo.]_

_[Edit 2: also, as a note from an actual scientist: edibles, not smoking. She has breathing issues sometimes and her anxiety can kick in real bad. One quarter of a good edible will help. It's good for me anyway. And, on another note: is she out of that lapis lazuli pigment? I think I can help with that.]_

Test One: _[Attached is a blurry photo of Lucretia—younger than her days as Madame Director, light hair in a high poff—laughing loudly, one foot connected with Magnus's cheek. The blur indicates that she kicked him in the jaw when he went to tickle her, as evidenced by the scribbled caption of "Lucy Took My Tooth Out! I'm So Proud :,)"]_ I'm hurting, but happy. She has a nice laugh. It didn't last and she also Commanded me to stand in the corner and think about what I did, but she laughed for a little bit. I think it helped.

_[Edit: she came by later to apologize for my tooth, only to find me still in the corner. I don't think she though her magic was that strong. It is. She apologized and let me out of the Bad Boy Corner. Then we had cocoa. Taako only laughed for five minutes this time. Lucy looked proud though.]_

Test Two: Taako and Lup made Lucy her favorite foods. They pretended, as they do, that it was totally a coincidence that they just so happened to make a pot roast with sweet cornbread and white gravy with a side of mixed wild greens. It was nice because they said she "need[ed] to test to see if it's just good or hella baller" and "what, do you expect the chucklefuck crew to know what a good goddamn soul food meal tastes like?!" I did get my hand on some roast (Lucy slipped me some under the table with a wink and a grin, sneaky gal) and it was delicious as fuck! Lucy was smiling softly, warmly, like she felt safe and at home. I think she relaxed. I think she actually fucking relaxed, even if for a little bit.

Conclusion: Lucy deserves the best, even if she doesn't think she does. She deserves the best, even if she's afraid of herself, of the world, of the future. She deserves everything and more. Plus she deserves to smile.

_[Edit: Lucy needs a hug. Give her one every day. Even if you don't like giving hugs, give her one. She deserves all of them.]_

_[Edit 2: make sure you feed and water your Lucy daily. She likes fried foods and rich greens. She also likes wine but has no taste. Cheap wine, rich food, happy Lucy.]_

_[Edit 3: Lucy needs her enrichment. Make sure that she has plenty of space and time to paint. She likes sunsets and landscapes and paints best with oils. Also do not use her paints as finger paints.]_

_[Edit 4: Lucy likes books and quiet spaces. That is the prime Lucy environment but she flourishes when she is around others. Much like a cat, sit in her general space and be with her while she reads. It makes her very happy and she will slow blink.]_

_[Edit 5: Lucy, much like plants, needs sunshine. Take her outside from time to time and make sure she gets her dose of Vitamin D as well as some good ol' Vitamin XD]_

_[Edit 6: in order to make sure she is properly cared for, tell your Lucy you love her every day. Also, Merle, that was terrible. Please don't.]_

* * *

_[The rest of the folder is filled with various tattered and tear-stained pieces of paper with pictures drawn by the other Birds. All of them are of Madame Director, the younger version from her Bird years, in various states of what can be objectively called "good". They all look well-worn and loved deeply.]_


End file.
